First, I’d like to congratulate you for trying, and succeeding in stopping cutting because it takes a lot of courage to do so. :)
Second, I found this post a long while ago and I continually refer back to this when needed: http://ithurtssomuch.tumblr.com/selfharm
First, I’d like to congratulate you for trying, and succeeding in stopping cutting because it takes a lot of courage to do so. :)
(Answered May 30, 20:00)
Personally, I don’t believe breaking a glass means bad luck.
(Answered May 20, 18:13)
First of all, thank you for sending us a message, I hope we can help you.
Second of all, think of what you just write, you refered to your friendship as a “great friendship”, so you guys should be okay.
Speaking from experience, when a friend tells you they fell for you, they know the friendship can turn into something else, and it could be great (like getting together) or it could be not so great (like feeling awkward everytime you two hang out or talk). It’s a risk and they are taking it.
Friends falling for friends is a common thing, but so is not reciprocating those feelings. You said you don’t love your friend back, and that’s okay. But, have you told your friend this? Did your friend told you about falling for you? Have you guys talked about it? Because, that’s actually, a great start to save your friendship. It may be awkward at first and you both have to be very careful about what you say and HOW you say it, but it will be worth it.
- Listen carefully to your friend and try to understand them. But also, make sure to be heard as well.
- Talk about how much your friendship means to you and why you don’t want to lose your friend, if that’s the case.
- Keep in mind that your friend has feelings as well, and even if you can’t reciprocate them, try to understand if your friend ask you for some time to think. If that’s the case, don’t jump into conclusions thinking your friend doesn’t want to know anything about you ever and hates you.
- Friendships are about trust, so ask your friend to talk to you with honesty. And do the same thing.
- Not only you should make sure your friend doesn’t feel judged for having feelings for you, but also keep in mind you are not a bad friend for not reciprocating your friend’s feelings, so your friend shouldn’t make you feel bad about it either.
- Try to stay calmed so the words you say are actually the things you’re feeling.
- Think before you speak.
- If you feel like one, two, three, a million of talks about this (or any subject) aren’t enough, ask your friend if it could be possible to talk about it again.
- “Great frienships” are strong ones, so have a little faith in you both.
If you need to talk further about it, we’re always here to listen.
(Answered May 14, 12:48)
First of all, thank you for messaging us.
Secondly, I have a question for you, is there a reason (or several reasons) you want to end your life?
I myself have been suicidal, and from my experience, you might feel like nobody notices you, understands you or care about you, but think about it for a minute: probably, there are people who notice something’s wrong with you but they don’t really know how to deal with it and the only thing they think it’s right is to give you space. There are people who understand you, if you don’t find them in your life (like friends and family), you came to the right place! And most importantly, there are people who care about you, we do! And we’re looking forward to receive all the messages you want to send us, and absolutely, we’re looking forward to help you in the best ways we can.
It was posted in this blog an entry about feeling suicidal, and one of the steps of coping with suicidal thoughts was to promise not to do anything right now, to wait for 24 hours before doing something drastic. I recommend you to follow this step, and if you want to, click the link to read the whole post.
I hope this message was helpful, and if you need to talk further about this, our askbox is always open.
Rest of the message: (cont) because i for some weird reason i didnt think i could handle being in a relationship because of sex. I feel really unconfident and have no clue how or what i’d do if our relationship had reached the stage where sex was on the cards. I just cant see myself having sex or doing anything sexual. Another embarrassing reason is im super unconfident about how i look down there my labia minora is pretty long and looks ugly and dont want guys making fun of me. now the guy who i liked is now (cont)
First off, don’t apologize for long messages! I’m infamous for my long rants but they really do help, so I personally encourage ranting. :)
Secondly, I’m in the same boat as you! I’m 17 going on 18 and have never had a boyfriend - I’ve never even kissed anyone. I completely understand your situation, and it’s completely normal to feel what you’re feeling. Plenty of people are in your situation and you’re not alone! My advice is to not strive to be like anyone else, but to strive to be the best you that you can be (I know I’m cheesy and I’m sorry for that but it’s true!) - “be yourself because everyone else is taken” and all that wonderfulness. It seems as though you’re not ready yet for a relationship and that’s okay too. Relationships shouldn’t be all about sex, so when the right person eventually comes along, try going slower. The right person will understand that you’re not comfortable with anything sexual yet and will try their hardest to make sure you feel less insecure. But the right person doesn’t just come up, and I know it’s hard now but trust me, the right person will come along. Just be patient! I know I hate it when people tell me to be patient but that’s really all it is. But if you do in fact like someone who you think is made of awesome sauce and that you would like to start a relationship with, I say, go for it. (I’m not entirely sure what the rest of the message is since I only got parts 1 and 2)
please don’t be afraid to message us, we’re all for helping! :)
I completely understand your situation; I’ve liked a guy for 9 years and it’s a constant roller coaster. It’s hard to get someone out of your thoughts when they’ve been in there for so long, but I encourage you to speak to a friend (or us!) and let it out that way instead of cutting. It may seem like it won’t work, but trust me, talking to someone who either understands what you’re going through, or went through what you are going through is incredibly helpful. I hope you know that you can always message us here, we’ll be here, ready to answer any questions you may have. Or even just talk! If you come off of anon we can private message if you like?
As for your cutting, I’m sorry that this whole situation had made you start cutting, but I really hope that you stop harming yourself because you are worth all the wonderful things on this Earth and some guy isn’t worth all this pain. Remember that we’ll be here to help you and that you matter to me!
(Answered May 11, 15:00h)
If you want to, and, most importantly, if YOU trust him (about you two meeting just as friends), then GO AHEAD!
Remember to do ONLY the things you want to do (like meeting him) and that nobody can force you do things you don’t want to do.
You’re not alone; many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives. Feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn’t mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. This pain seems overwhelming and permanent at the moment. But with time and support, you can overcome your problems and the pain and suicidal feelings will pass.Coping with suicidal thoughts: the first steps Step #1: Promise not to do anything right now
Even though you’re in a lot of pain right now, give yourself some distance between thoughts and action. Make a promise to yourself: “I will wait 24 hours and won’t do anything drastic during that time.” Or, wait a week.
Thoughts and actions are two different things—your suicidal thoughts do not have to become a reality. There’s is no deadline, no one pushing you to act on these thoughts immediately. Wait. Wait and put some distance between your suicidal thoughts and suicidal action.Step #2: Avoid drugs and alcohol
Suicidal thoughts can become even stronger if you have taken drugs or alcohol. It is important to not use nonprescription drugs or alcohol when you feel hopeless or are thinking about suicide.Step #3: Make your home safe
Remove things you could use to hurt yourself, such as pills, knives, razors, or firearms. If you are unable to do so, go to a place where you can feel safe. If you are thinking of taking an overdose, give your medicines to someone who can return them to you one day at a time as you need them.Step #4: Take hope - people DO get through this
Even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now manage to survive these feelings. Take hope in this. There is a very good chance that you are going to live through these feelings, no matter how much self-loathing, hopelessness, or isolation you are currently experiencing. Just give yourself the time needed and don’t try to go it alone.Step #5: Don’t keep these suicidal feelings to yourself
Many of us have found that the first step to coping with suicidal thoughts and feelings is to share them with someone we trust. It may be a friend, a therapist, a member of the clergy, a teacher, a family doctor, a coach, or an experienced counselor at the end of a helpline. Find someone you trust and let them know how bad things are. Don’t let fear, shame, or embarrassment prevent you from seeking help. Just talking about how you got to this point in your life can release a lot of the pressure that’s building up and help you find a way to cope.Why do I feel this way?
Many kinds of emotional pain can lead to thoughts of suicide. The reasons for this pain are unique to each one of us, and our ability to cope with the pain differs from person to person. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you, “That’s not enough to be suicidal about.” We are all different. What might be bearable to one person may not be bearable to you. There are, however, some common factors that may lead us to experience suicidal thoughts and feelings.Feeling suicidal is often associated with problems that can be treated
Loss, depression, anxiety disorders, medical conditions, drug and alcohol dependency, financial, legal or school problems, grief or loss, and other life difficulties can all create profound emotional distress. They also interfere with our ability to problem solve. Even if you can’t see it now, there are nearly always other solutions for these problems.
Mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder are all treatable with changes in lifestyle, therapy, and medication. Most people who seek help for their problems and make constructive changes in their lives improve their situation and recover. Even if you have received treatment for a disorder before, or if you’ve already made attempts to solve your problems, you should know that it’s often necessary to try several different solutions before the right solution or combination of solutions can be found. Almost all problems can be treated or resolved.Why suicide can seem like the only option
If you are unable to think of solutions other than suicide, it is not that other solutions don’t exist, but rather that you are currently unable to see them. The intense emotional pain that you’re experiencing right now can distort your thinking so it becomes harder to see possible solutions to problems, or to connect with those who can offer support. Therapists, counselors, or friends or loved ones, can help you to see solutions that otherwise may not be apparent to you. Give them a chance to help.Things to do
Things to avoid:
- Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you. Or continue to call a crisis helpline and talk about your feelings.
- Make a safety plan. Develop a set of steps that you can follow during a suicidal crisis. It should include contact numbers for your doctor or therapist, as well as friends and family members who will help in an emergency.
- Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what. Keep a regular routine as much as possible, even when your feelings seem out of control.
- Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30 minutes a day.
- Exercise as vigorously as is safe for you. To get the most benefit, aim for 30 minutes of exercise per day. But you can start small. Three 10-minute bursts of activity can have a positive effect on mood.
- Make time for things that bring you joy. Even if very few things bring you pleasure at the moment, force yourself to do the things you used to enjoy.
- Remember your personal goals. You may have always wanted to travel to a particular place, read a specific book, own a pet, move to another place, learn a new hobby, volunteer, go back to school, or start a family. Write your personal goals down.
5 steps to recovering from suicidal thoughts and feelings
- Being alone. Solitude can make suicidal thoughts even worse. Visit a friend, or family member. If you have no one, pick up the phone and call a crisis helpline.
- Alcohol and drugs. Drugs and alcohol can increase depression, hamper your problem-solving ability, and can make you act impulsively.
- Doing things that make you feel worse. Listening to sad music, looking at certain photographs, reading old letters, or visiting a loved one’s grave can all increase negative feelings.
- Thinking about suicide and other negative thoughts. Try not to become preoccupied with suicidal thoughts as this can make them even stronger. Don’t think and rethink negative thoughts. Find a distraction. Giving yourself a break from suicidal thoughts can help, even if it’s for a short time.
- Identify triggers or situations that lead to feelings of despair or generate suicidal thoughts, such as an anniversary of a loss, alcohol, or stress from relationships. Find ways to avoid these places, people, or situations.
- Take care of yourself. Eat right, don’t skip meals, and get plenty of sleep. Exercise is also key: it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.
- Build your support network. Surround yourself with positive influences and people who make you feel good about yourself. The more you’re invested in other people and your community, the more you have to lose—which will help you stay positive and on the recovery track.
- Develop new activities and interests. Find new hobbies, volunteer activities, or work that gives you a sense of meaning and purpose. When you’re doing things you find fulfilling, you’ll feel better about yourself and feelings of despair are less likely to return.
- Learn to deal with stress in a healthy way. Find healthy ways to keep your stress levels in check, including exercising, meditating, using sensory strategies to relax, practicing simple breathing exercises, and challenging self-defeating thoughts.
First, and most importantly, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. There are multiple reasons to live. I understand you’re in a lot of pain right now, but I promise you it gets better.
Have you ever gone to talk to a professional? Like a psychologist? If not, I strongly recommend it. I did it once when I was depressed and it really improved my life in so many ways. I know it can be a bit hard to really get down and do it, but please try to get the courage to call someone. It will probably save your life.
Whenever life feels the most terrible, think like this: will I still feel this way in five years? Will everything be this bad by then? By then I’m sure you’ve graduated from high school/college/wherever you’re currently at. And by then you’ll have a completely different life with new people, perhaps a job, perhaps another school and so on. Always remember that life will change. You won’t stay where you are now for the rest of your life. Therefore, it’s worth to keep on living. You never know what’ll happen next.
Perhaps you should tell your best boyfriend that you like him? If he doesn’t like you back, at least he might stop talking about his crush in front of you. That might be relieving for you.
Also, here are some things to live for: http://www.flickr.com/photos/between-the-rest/7303315016/
You are worth something for the world, and you are awesome.
First of all, don’t apologize for your message being “long”, okay? We’re always here to listen.
Moving on… I’m a 17 year old virgin (who hasn’t kissed anyone), so I think I understand what are you talking about…
I will tell you what I think about this whole thing:
I think it’s okay not to like our bodies from head to toe and 24/7, why? Because we are humans, and our bodies are constantly changing. You’re not going to look the same way in 5 years, so if you get to accept and love yourself now, you will have to re-accept yourself when the first wrinkles start to appear in your face or hands. And everything about you will change: how you see life, how you love, how you are loved, how is your body, how good you hear or see. Changing is good. It is natural.
So, you are not particularly fond of your body “down there” now? OH well, guess what? That’s okay! So you let go the opportunity of dating your friend? That’s okay! This doesn’t mean you will never be in a relationship or that every person who sees you naked is going to run away from you. Remember that change is always happening.
You say you don’t see yourself having sex, have you thought that maybe you’re not ready to have sex? I think that wanting to have sex =/= being ready to have sex. Which is okay, too, because everybody’s ready at different times and there’s no hurry. You also said that you wouldn’t know what to do if a relationship reaches the stage where sex is on the cards; let me tell you what I think: when a relationship reaches that point you CAN talk about it with your partner, because you are as much as part of the couple as is your significant other, so having sex isn’t just about ONE person wanting to have sex (in that case, that’s why masturbation exists), is about ALL of the people involved wanting to have sex.
You also mention you don’t want guys making fun of you for the way you look “down there”. Ugh, let me tell you that there’s no two vaginas that look exactly the same nor two penises or genitalia in general (of course, without photoshop and all that crap). And, from my really personal point of view, that’s what makes sexuality amazing! What feels good for you might not feel as good for me because our bodies are different, and what’s great about sex are those differences. Why? Because you can use sex to be intimate with someone, getting to know what that person looks like, feels like, tastes like, smells like… and your brain does a lot of amazing chemical things, so it feels GREAT. Do you think it would be the same if all the bodies from all the people in this world looked the same? Felt the same? OF COURSE NOT! Sex would totally lack the magic… even undressing your partner would seem boring and not sexy at all because you would know EXACTLY what to expect. Seriously think about it for a minute.
So, time for a little recap:
- Everything changes (including your body and HOW you see it)
- You can always learn to know, accept and love yourself
- Wanting to have sex =/= being ready to have sex
- “Losing” the oportunity to be in a relationship with your friend isn’t the end of your romantic and/or sexual life because (see point one): everything changes
- Being insecure about our body doesn’t mean we ACTUALLY have something wrong (plus, see point two)
- Don’t say you will be virgin “forever” because you’re already closing the doors. If you don’t want to be a virgin forever, you won’t be a virgin forever; because you will find, when you’re ready, the oportunity to not be virgin anymore
- When you are in a relationship, you get to decide whether you want sex or not and talk about it with your significant other, and they will have to listen and respect you
- There’s nothing wrong with being a 18 year old virgin. There’s no deadline to lose your virginity
You are a kick-ass person for sending us a message! Here, have a link to a Laci Green’s video about labias! (With a bunch of links in the description).
I hope this was helpful. And if you need to talk further about it, our ask box is always open.
I’m so glad to hear you’ve found out what to do. Never forget all the right answers are inside you, maybe you just needed to ask the right questions.
Keep up with the great job of living, and if you get stuck in the way, our ask box is always open, okay?
It’s great you stayed true to yourself when he wanted a bj, congratulations! Now think, what did you do back then? What was successful and what wasn’t? Did you explained why you didn’t want to give him a bj? Did he ever make you feel uncomfortable? Was he hurtful towards you? Try to think about it (and about other times he HAD to accept your “no”), think about what did you say or do. How did he react. Try to remember the things you did right and the things that didn’t work. Maybe this could help you through talking to him about not wanting to have sex.
Keep in mind some things:
- Feelings are meant to be felt (and shared), not used as threats or weapons to try to convince you to have sex (‘If you loved me, you would do it.’)
- Your virginity is yours and yours only. He has decided what HE wants to do with HIS, so YOU can decide what to do with YOURS. Your body = your rules.
- Whatever has happened between you two in the past DOESN’T determine what you can/will/want to do in the future.
And TALK to him about your feelings and wishes. Will he listen? I don’t know, I hope so.
And now, I’m going to tell you a really personal opinion, which, of course, you can ignore: if he’s “a douche at times”, is he really worth your time? Is keeping him in your life worth it? Remember you deserve great things, and you deserve love and comprehension. (And you deserve to be able to say ‘no’ and feel comfortable, not anxious about how will you say it or how he will take it).
I hope everything works out for you, dear EM, and of course, if you need to talk further about it, our ask box is always open.
I think Sandra’s right: sex must always be on your own terms. Remember, it’s YOUR body, so you make your own rules.
If you feel like losing your virginity to him doesn’t feel ‘right’, you DON’T have to do it. Look, it doesn’t really matter if he’s your boyfriend, exboyfriend, friend (with benefits)… nobody can make you have sex with them if you don’t want to. It doesn’t matter what you have done with him (sexually) in the past, if you don’t want to have sex with him, then don’t have sex. I know it’s not always seen as simple as that because there are feelings involved, and some other things… but you cannot put his feelings over yours because it’s not good or healthy for you, and even if he wants to lose his virginity to you, you are allowed to not feel the same and act on it.
Also, it’s okay to change your mind, you know… it’s okay to have thought of it as a good idea when he first told you about it, but you CAN change your mind after giving it a second thought.
Look, it’s always up to you; in the end, you know more about your own life and your relationship with him than anyone, but I think it’s a good idea if you told him you’re not sure about having sex anymore. Explain your reasons and ask him to understand you.
At last but not at least, do you feel comfortable with meeting him? If not, then don’t meet him. You know, it’s okay to ask for some space to think (or to be). You don’t have to do things that make you feel uncomfortable because you deserve GOOD things.
If you need to talk further about it, our ask box is always open.
Personally, I don’t think you should do it if you’re not certain about it. I don’t know what your virginity means to you, but it could be kind of a big deal. Are you sure you want to lose it to your ex boyrfriend? I’m sure he’s your ex, and not your boyfriend, for a reason? If you’re not sure, you should probably wait. Regretting sex is not fun at all, I can tell.
My advice to you is to sit down and think this through. Maybe you feel like you’re obliged to do it because he wants to lose his virginity to you? If that’s the case, DON’T DO IT. Sex must always be on your own terms, when YOU want it. Think about the reasons you may or may not want to do it, and I’m sure you’ll come to a conclusion.
Whether you want to meet him or not is up to you. Did he treat you right when you were toghether? Are you friends now? Since I don’t know, it’s hard to tell. If he’s been a dick to you I don’t think you should meet him. If you are friends though, you could meet him. But remember that meeting him =/= you have to have sex. You can just meet as friends if you like.
I hope this made some sense, and that you reach a good conclusion.
You are definitely good enough. You are pretty and awesome and great in every way. What I’ve said to many of my own friends who’ve said similar things to this is that if you haven’t met a boy yet, you just haven’t met the right one yet. The right one will come for everybody, I promise. Even for you.
And I don’t believe your sister is better than you. I think you’re just feeling that right now because your confidence is a little low. Every day you should look in the mirror and say three good things about yourself. Out loud. Maybe that will boost your confidence a little. You are a fantastic person, nothing you ever think can change that.
I understand this must be horrible for you guys. It must be one of the worst things to not be able to be together when you love each other. Firstly, I think you should go talk to an adult. Both of you together. Maybe there’s someone at your school that you trust, or a psychologist. Go there and explain the situation and I’m sure they will be able to help you. And if she really is depressed, then she really needs to talk to someone.
About her parents, that’s a little harder. If she has explained to them how much you mean to her etc and they still don’t accept it, then there’s not much you can do about it. You can only be there to support your friend and maybe you can see each other without them knowing about it? I’m sorry, but that’s all the advice I can give.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Just tell them the truth darling. You need to be brave and just tell them. I know it’s super hard, but I promise you you’ll feel way better when it’s done. And they will feel better too, because then they know they can help you. If they care about you it won’t be hard to tell them, just say that you’re feeling down.
If you don’t tell them, they can’t help you. And I really want them to help you, because I don’t want you to feel down. At least try.
Panic attacks sure suck, I used to have them too. What’s important to know about them is that there is often a reason for you to have them. I got them when I was depressed, and then I started seeing a psychologist and after a few months I got rid of them. I haven’t had one since.
I don’t know how it is with you, but if you’re feeling down or stressed I’m sure that’s the reason you have them. Either way you should go talk to somebody, because they can help you to get rid of them. I promise. Many many people have them because of stress, and it seems to me that you are stressed about college. Go talk to someone and sort your mind out, honey. I’m sure it will help. And anytime you get a panic attack, try to take deep breaths and think about calm stuff, like the ocean.